myimpulsivethoughts

Anxiety always shows up unannounced

she knocks on my door so violently

and although i try to ignore her

she lets herself in anyways

so now she is a part of my home

because she never wants to leave

and i am always too afraid to ask her

i always hear you on the stairs

even though you’re not there

and i think the house is scared

just as much as i am

every creaking board screams to me

that it’s awaiting your angry footsteps too

so we both rot here

waiting for it to pass

yeah — you might miss him,

but didn’t you miss yourself more?

some people tell me

that i view the world

only in black and white —

that the gray area

doesn’t exist in my mind;

i think they’re wrong —

i enjoy neutral tones

because they’re comfortable

but i watched the leaves

catch fire by autumn foliage

and saw how they weren’t afraid

of being bold and vibrant

and after they danced in the wind

they let go of all they once were

and i think it’s possible

that i could be more

than this complacency

and allow myself to bleed and bloom

and let go of all i once was too

i know i can’t go back

to rewrite the pages

that i’ve already read

but i’m trying my best

to write these new chapters

so the protagonist

can’t be consumed

by the antagonists

ever again —

and i’m making

myself a promise

that i will

be the champion

of my own story;

come what may

if “home is in your head”

then i’m better off dead

it seems so easy for me

to let this place swallow me whole

that i forget that i have

arms and legs to fight back with

and a heart and mind

that know better than to wallow

in the belly of sorrow and loneliness

it seems like it’s stinging

a little less with each new day

and i’m wondering

if this is what it feels like

to be reborn

and abandon all you once knew

coming home hasn’t felt as lonely

but the silence eats me alive

and your ghost still lingers here

so i’m scared to sleep at night

this autumn i think

i’ll turn a new leaf

and change with the seasons for the better

i’ll learn to let go

of things out of my control

and forget your name letter by letter

how do you keep going,

surrounded by ruin?

i’m sick to my stomach all over again

rereading our last words to one another

and i never told you i loved you back

because you should already know by now

and i’ve been blaming myself

for everything that you did wrong

when it wasn’t my fault to begin with

so when are you gunna call me

saying, “hi honey i’m sorry”

you and i went sour long ago

but i kept wanting

more helpings

of our expired love

your sea was never calm

but i’ve only ever known chaos

so i practiced holding my breath

for when you left me underwater

and you would push me away

and roll me in with the tides

every time i reached your depths

but no matter how many times

your crashing waves left me mangled

i kept going back to your angry oceans

so i taught myself how to drown

and anchored myself at the very bottom

waiting for the storms to end

but in the darkness

i remembered sunlight

and missed being held in its warmth

so i cut myself loose —

taught myself how to swim again

and let your currents wash me ashore

i’m still learning to walk

my legs are uneasy and weak

but i’m not wallowing with you anymore

i’ll tell you what —

i feel immensely hollow without you

but i’d rather be empty

than full of despondency

i know this is for the best

but it feels like i’m dying

every second i’m without

that heartbeat inside your chest

and my skin misses yours

and i’ve been wondering

if yours misses mine too

but it’s too late for that

and i’ve gotta get over you

i kept watch

as everyone seemed

to be getting along fine

as i stood there still

nothing changed

for me or my mind

but i found peace

and comfort in knowing

they all seemed

to have it figured out

and one day i just

might be getting along fine

i guess i’ll wait

but i have my doubts

it’s hard to move forward

when you’re still here

collecting dust

hey, it’s me

not Hannah, but you get the idea —

maybe this is the only way

that you’ll listen

there’s no cassettes

because we both know

writing has always been my outlet

so you’ll have to take your time

and read each line

and imagine me

saying this out loud:

“You are the reason why

I’m not okay anymore

and I’ve lost all sense

of who I used to be.

So the next time

you roleplay as Hannah,

I think you should look back

and remember

all the tears I’ve wept,

for you and me,

and everything in between,

and how you

didn’t shed a single drop

in return for me.”

who is really dead here,

after all?

my throat feels raw

from swallowing all these stones

that are helping me

build up this wall inside