Wallowing

your sea was never calm

but i’ve only ever known chaos

so i practiced holding my breath

for when you left me underwater

and you would push me away

and roll me in with the tides

every time i reached your depths

but no matter how many times

your crashing waves left me mangled

i kept going back to your angry oceans

so i taught myself how to drown

and anchored myself at the very bottom

waiting for the storms to end

but in the darkness

i remembered sunlight

and missed being held in its warmth

so i cut myself loose —

taught myself how to swim again

and let your currents wash me ashore

i’m still learning to walk

my legs are uneasy and weak

but i’m not wallowing with you anymore