Category Archives: Uncategorized

i keep wishing things could be different but you’re not a puppet and i can’t make you say and do the things that i want you to

i think we should move out of our heads and into our hearts so we can forget the things we said to focus on the blood pumping within us and the sound of our heartbeats echoing one another as if they’re talking to each other saying, “i missed you, too”

the ice was cracking beneath my feet a familiar feeling that somehow feels like home and if i fall through i’ll remember familiarity again and that a heart made of ice is better than none at all

i want to learn to love all of the things everyone else sees in me

you’re all i ever talk about like my tongue doesn’t know how to speak any other name and i’ve been working on my pronunciation to try to work on learning other words like “self-worth” and “self-love” but my muscle memory can’t forget you and neither can i so i’ll keep repeating your name for repetition’s …

Continue reading “Repetition”

we can’t commiserate in existential disbelief like we used to because i decided i do exist — even when you make me feel like i don’t

carving out the cravings of you seeded deep in my bones inside the marrow-filled cavities was the best thing i could have ever done — for both of us

it feels like you’re living inside me now eating your way through my lungs suffocating me slowly i’m always choking for you

every single fucking thing reminds me of you — why do i let you occupy so much of my time?

i’m always reminded of that hollow feeling when you said i was nothing and how deep i stuck the knife in myself to try to carve you out of me when i couldn’t cut myself loose

for a long time i just sat there in the nothingness — so long that i thought i had become nothing too

it still feels like yesterday — every day feels like yesterday and it never goes away and i’m always crying oceans for you to fish but you never liked salt water in the first place so i’ll let my tears drown me here ‘cause you’ll never come looking to find me washed-up

whenever i look at myself in the mirror i wonder how much more i will age before i figure out what it’s like to feel relatively normal and if it’s even worth it to feel at all

i keep trying so hard everyday and it feels like striving will never be enough

i’ll let my roots rest where they lie in fear that moving forward might mean more loss along the way and if i stay stuck i can avoid the inevitable

i can still remember every haircut you ever got and wondered if i’d be around for the next

it’s a strange uncomfortable feeling being alone — after spending every day for the last three years with you and then having you dissipate like the smoke from the joint i’m smoking to cope

i decided a while ago that it was better if you were dead in my head but how could i move forward when your phantom sits down next to me every single day and never leaves my side — will you ever go away?

maybe i can stay dead like the barren winter trees and wait ‘til spring to bloom

i have to pretend that you’re dead so i don’t fixate on the things left unsaid