myimpulsivethoughts

one day it won’t be so bad

and I won’t settle for capsizing

or letting water fill my lungs

and I won’t sit and debate

if they’re half full or half empty

just to give myself time

to meet you at the bottom

right where you’re waiting for me

I swear, one day

I won’t let myself

drown and sink

just to anchor myself where you are

you’ve been telling me

you still have the key

that unlocked the doors

to our home and my heart

but I’m changing the locks

and you aren’t welcome

in my heart

or my head

anymore

they were there

from the very beginning

and instead of running away

I ran to you

and into your arms

embraced by your coat of red flags

that I thought

was fashionable and trendy

but it turns out

it was never my style

to be so toxic and vibrant

at the same time

this has been eating me alive

remembering too many things at once

that leave me second guessing

so I’m counting on my fingers

all the times you said you loved me

but left me alone to rot

to remind myself

that decaying in solitude

will always be better

than bleeding oceans for you

drowning always felt

so much better

when you were there to sink too

but i’ve known for a long time

that my lungs were meant for more

than suffocating with you

do you remember

feeling scared

but we held each other close

and said it wouldn’t be forever

and the streams of red

never seemed to stop flowing

but we said,

“maybe next time”

and other bullshit things

to make ourselves feel numb

you were small

and deserved nothing but love

but my love was trapped

and out of reach

so i left you to the wayside

with a lot of other parts of me

i once loved

holding on has seemed

a lot like pulling teeth

or scraping my knees

over and over

on the pavement

and I’m stubborn, I know

and I’m not good

at letting things go

but this is me saying

I’m finally letting go

for me

i’ve cut out my tongue

and sewn my lips shut

in fear i’ll say too much

or not enough at all

so my fingers do all the talking

as they run through my hair

and pick away slowly

at all of my imperfections

I spilled my guts

all over your favorite shirt

but instead of cleaning up the mess

you threw it away

and said that you were looking

for a new style to wear

if I cried you a river

would you stay there

and continue to fish

for the happiness you seek

cause I’d drown

just to keep your ship afloat

I keep whispering things to my pillows

Because I know they’ll never tell

But they hold my secrets close

And haunt me in my sleep

it’s hard when you don’t remember

familiar smiles and faces

and places we used to go

it’s hard when you don’t remember

any memories we’ve shared together

it’s hard when you don’t remember

my name or my face

or me, at all

I was wilting

so you started searching

for new vibrant flowers.

the ivory hidden ‘neath the open flesh

gleams only rarely now

it stays trapped in its fiery cage

unless demanded to shine

I keep trying

to grow more petals

but you keep

picking them off

before they can grow

Not in any particular order:

• Tell yourself the things you like about yourself
• Breathe
• Scream (into a pillow, or not)
• Cry
• Take a shower or a bath
• Light a candle or incense
• Use essential oils
• Do a face mask
• Listen to music
• Write
• Sing
• Color/draw/paint
• Craft
• Watch tv or a movie
• Take a nap
• Stretch or do yoga
• Practice meditation
• Go for a walk or a run
• Exercise in general
• Drink water
• Eat a snack
• Enjoy a hot cup of tea or cocoa
• Cook/bake
• Do origami
• Do a puzzle
• Play a game
• Call or text a friend
• Go for a drive
• Visit family or friends
• Hug a pillow, stuffed animal, or person
• Dance
• Read a book
• Go swimming
• Play a sport
• Go on an adventure or play outside
• Clean — ONLY if necessary and will help not hurt your anxiety and OCD
• Give a gift — make someone else happy
• Treat yourself

Most of the time,

I have so much to say

but no one to tell

and no where to scream it.

So all of the undigested words

get regurgitated here —

where hardly anyone visits

and no one understands.

it seems like

we’ve been scrimmaging forever

i thought we were on the same team

but you showed me otherwise

i’m too tired, i’m fighting for air

and i can’t keep up with you

when you constantly run in circles

so i forfeit

I realized while exploring my perpetual darkness that there is no light — there is only dark, and dark alone cannot provide me with eyes to see through this dense underworld.