myimpulsivethoughts

i’m just a collection

of blood and of bone

inside a sac of skin

this place is my throne

a collective work of thoughts

that leave me feeling alone

a constant reminder

that i’ll never truly be home

what if i die

just for a little while

come visit you in the sky

and then come back down

feet on the ground

and move forward from this

am i allowed to die

just awhile

just awhile

i swear that i’ll grow

after i see you so

let me die

just awhile

just awhile

just awhile

i’m glued in place

wishing i could blast off to outer space

and be with you there

up in the air somewhere

floating around in the bliss

that they all talk about

now i see

you were trying to prepare me

for what was to come

i was blind then

falling apart —

i guess i have been since the start

and i don’t know how to mend

the pieces back together

instead i sit and suffer

afraid i’ll be broken forever

how did my day to day

become such a catastrophe?

i feel like at this point

i’d much rather atrophy

i waited for weeks

with no reply

to find out you left

to chase stars in the sky

how could you leave

without saying goodbye

now all i have left

to do is cry

why didn’t you tell me

was everything a lie

you said we were best friends

but you left me alone — to die

how can i heal

should i even try

things will never be the same

as when it was you and i

Depression is the saddest, loneliest,

most understood monster

of them all

she sits and suffers alone

just because she can

feeding on nothing but sadness and tears

starving herself of joy

losing hope of finding solace

— and i know her pain

like the back of my own hand

but she won’t let me help

she would rather stay stuck in the abyss

letting her sorrow consume her

than change and evolve

because the unknown is uncertain and scary

so i hold her close

though she is cold

and unwilling to be loved

because i am too

i think sometimes i forget

that these hands

that hold and caress you

are the same hands

that stabbed you

in the back

maybe i’m deteriorating so young

because i’m already dead inside

no matter how many times

i tell myself to write

i sit and feel sorry instead

i think to myself,

“what the fuck else

is better than just being dead?”

but then i reflect

on the ones that i love

and remember that i’m not alone

if i just stick it out

though i’m plagued with doubt

i’ll find my way out of this storm

i feel like

everyday

you say,

“tomorrow,”

so i never

know when

“tomorrow” is

it’s like we’re always

playing tit for tat

and if you hurt me

i hurt you back

sometimes i think

“maybe i’m even too much for myself”

i wish our problems would evaporate

but then i know they’ll fall

heavy from the sky

on an unexpected dreary day

what if

too many days have passed

and you don’t love me anymore —

what then?

i keep trying

to fight back

these oceans

behind my eyes

but the moon

pulls on my tides

and i let their waves

crash on the sands

of my skin

it feels like

i’m waiting to die

without you here

by my side

what

the

FUCK

am i thinking?

waiting around

like miracles just appear

to someone like me

even i know

miracles —

don’t grow on trees

let me in your heart

so i can get out of my head