myimpulsivethoughts

i keep on preaching,

“be the change you want to see”

but i’m pushing myself so hard

that i can’t even breathe

my lungs are shriveled up

inside of my chest cavity

if i don’t take care of myself

i know i’ll never succeed

life gave me another year

to prove to myself

that i can and i will

achieve my dreams

despite all of my fears

these feelings of inadequacy

are eating me alive

how do i know for sure

whether or not i’ll survive

it’s like i’m constantly trapped

in this prison inside of my head

and if i wind up stuck here

you might as well leave me for dead

it’s times like these

where i sit and i think

“what would it matter?”

i’m on the brink

“it is what it is”

is no way to live

why do we accept

circumstances

that cause us pain?

lonely to the core

“hollow me out”

a quiet shout

in an empty house

does it even matter anymore?

every single second

that i spend peeling myself

away from this mattress

feels like too much

it’s like i’m stuck here —

with the demons i see at night

and the parasites living in my head

you can blame me

all you want

you can mame me

you can taunt

sit and say

it’s all my fault

we both know

you’re no adult

why am i here

where should i go

i’m sick of being

your scapegoat

if you expect me

to keep your worries in a jar

— don’t expect me to —

my cabinet is full

of my own

i’ve spent my entire life

awaiting death

is it possible

to be dead and alive

at the same time?

maybe it’s time

that i take it easy

be more gentle with myself

and forget the idea of perfecting life

have i completely

lost my mind

you told me

it was a matter of time

sit and tell myself

that i’ll be just fine

but we both know

my life is on the line

i’ve been weeping

into the roses i planted for you

hoping that you’ll grow back

and return to me

but your remains are ashes now

and i don’t see you

being reborn like a phoenix

as much as i wish that you would

the teardrops that fell from the sky

told me that you missed me too

so i cried you an ocean

in hopes that i could float away to you

think i lost myself

even more than before

since i lost you

cause everything i loved

you loved too

through the trials and tribulations

though i’ve been stressed

i know that i’m blessed

things won’t always

be such a mess

if endings are supposed to be new beginnings

i’m beginning to wish it was me

instead of you

my bed devoured me whole

like i was nothing

so i gave in

and let it

consume

me

stuck spinning in circles

going nowhere

it’s pointless

why try