myimpulsivethoughts

forever trapped inside my head

with all these rancid sewer thoughts

collecting ‘til i’m dead

never have i ever

experienced this dread

i’ll bury myself and suffocate

beneath the blankets on my bed

it feels like you forgot

telling me you’d change

now all that i’ve got

is misery and shame

publishing your love

on napkins from jail

i thought i was enough

but you only left me frail

and these last six years

destroyed my whole being

all of these new fears

have really been misleading

convincing myself

that i’m worthless and i’m dumb

but the only real truth

is i’m completely numb

the abundance that comes

from setting you free

is just a reminder

we’re not meant to be

so now i’m leaving our home

the only one we’d ever known

where you’d sit on your throne

i’d break my back —

you’d play on your phone

so many things you’ve never shown

lack of compassion that i condoned

all bloodied up with broken bones

i take it back —

i’d rather be alone

my chest feels so hollow

thought i’d find myself

and then you’d follow

now all my days

are filled with sorrow

and constant searching

for better tomorrows

if sadness was a person

i could ask to leave my home

would i ask them to stay

so i wouldn’t be alone

every time i fall

back on to my bed

i secretly wish

it was my grave instead

i’ve finally succeeded

in becoming numb

i know if you were here

you’d say i’m pretty dumb

cause i took a bunch of pills

to make it go away

but now my eyes are fixed

in a catatonic gaze

lately i shower 8 times day

just trying to wash the sad away

said you would, but you didn’t stay

so i’ll stay stuck here in my dismay

masking has been tiring lately

and i’m just waiting to collapse

i don’t feel very present

like i’ve been living in the past

white knuckles

i held on too tight, for too long

why suffer

when letting go makes you strong

i think that maybe

i might better off alone

i’ll get a grip —

and carve you right out of my bones

“it all comes in waves”

some I swear —

could take me away

caught in an undertow

just waiting to decay

i never thought

that i’d be scared

to leave this place

with all these washed up memories

being thrown back in my face

you only want me

when i’m not around

unavailable —

and out of bounds

you like it better

when i make no sound

so i’ll shut my mouth

and try to keep it down

you only like me

when i wear a frown

feeling low

and can’t get off the ground

swore you’d stay

but skipped right out of town

i’m better than

this silly game of lost & found

and yet again — i’m choking

on every word i’ve ever said

count all the times i left my body —

dissociate from my own head

was it worth it?

you have me lying in my bed

pondering up all these thoughts

i guess i’ll sleep when i am dead

lately the air

smells like memories of you

it’s making me sick to my stomach

there’s so much that i can’t undo

uncertainty

has got the best of me

swallowed deep

within the depths of its belly

will it spit me out

guess we’ll have to see

you’ll be sure

to find me washed up

eventually

sunlight in your eyes

swear i’d die a thousand times

just to see that again

oh, you shine so bright

“maybe another night”

you know that i’ll be here ‘til then

my brain tells me that i’m boring

so you must think so too

i guess i’ll just sit and think

of something else to do

it always feels

like my work is never done

and i quit my job

back before 2021

so why does it seem

like i’ll never get a break

i’m pulling my hair out

when i should be

in a better mental state

you hang around

in my sink

so much so

it’s hard to think

and every time

that you’re put away

you show back up

another day