Author Archives: Amanda Rose

one day it won’t be so bad and I won’t settle for capsizing or letting water fill my lungs and I won’t sit and debate if they’re half full or half empty just to give myself time to meet you at the bottom right where you’re waiting for me I swear, one day I won’t …

Continue reading “Capsized”

you’ve been telling me you still have the key that unlocked the doors to our home and my heart but I’m changing the locks and you aren’t welcome in my heart or my head anymore

they were there from the very beginning and instead of running away I ran to you and into your arms embraced by your coat of red flags that I thought was fashionable and trendy but it turns out it was never my style to be so toxic and vibrant at the same time

this has been eating me alive remembering too many things at once that leave me second guessing so I’m counting on my fingers all the times you said you loved me but left me alone to rot to remind myself that decaying in solitude will always be better than bleeding oceans for you

drowning always felt so much better when you were there to sink too but i’ve known for a long time that my lungs were meant for more than suffocating with you

do you remember feeling scared but we held each other close and said it wouldn’t be forever and the streams of red never seemed to stop flowing but we said, “maybe next time” and other bullshit things to make ourselves feel numb

you were small and deserved nothing but love but my love was trapped and out of reach so i left you to the wayside with a lot of other parts of me i once loved

holding on has seemed a lot like pulling teeth or scraping my knees over and over on the pavement and I’m stubborn, I know and I’m not good at letting things go but this is me saying I’m finally letting go for me

i’ve cut out my tongue and sewn my lips shut in fear i’ll say too much or not enough at all so my fingers do all the talking as they run through my hair and pick away slowly at all of my imperfections

I spilled my guts all over your favorite shirt but instead of cleaning up the mess you threw it away and said that you were looking for a new style to wear

if I cried you a river would you stay there and continue to fish for the happiness you seek cause I’d drown just to keep your ship afloat

I keep whispering things to my pillows Because I know they’ll never tell But they hold my secrets close And haunt me in my sleep

it’s hard when you don’t remember familiar smiles and faces and places we used to go it’s hard when you don’t remember any memories we’ve shared together it’s hard when you don’t remember my name or my face or me, at all

I was wilting so you started searching for new vibrant flowers.

the ivory hidden ‘neath the open flesh gleams only rarely now it stays trapped in its fiery cage unless demanded to shine

I keep trying to grow more petals but you keep picking them off before they can grow

Not in any particular order: Tell yourself the things you like about yourself Breathe Scream (into a pillow, or not) Cry Take a shower or a bath Light a candle or incense Use essential oils Do a face mask Listen to music Write Sing Color/draw/paint Craft Watch tv or a movie Take a nap Stretch …

Continue reading “Coping 101”

Most of the time, I have so much to say but no one to tell and no where to scream it. So all of the undigested words get regurgitated here — where hardly anyone visits and no one understands.

it seems like we’ve been scrimmaging forever i thought we were on the same team but you showed me otherwise i’m too tired, i’m fighting for air and i can’t keep up with you when you constantly run in circles so i forfeit

I realized while exploring my perpetual darkness that there is no light — there is only dark, and dark alone cannot provide me with eyes to see through this dense underworld.